Like Most Good Stories...

Like most good stories this one ends with me yelling to the police officer that the cuffs are too tight.

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  So I took his shoes.  The guy has no feet.  What does he need shoes for?

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  Ha, ha.  He sure looked funny without feet.

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  And then I laughed and laughed and laughed.

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  Why doesn't Obama take away shoes and feet from the rich, and give them to the poor?

I cried because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet.  Almost immediately I began to feel better.

Obama!  He Takes care Of His Own!  ...with other people's money.

Ian Edwards/Shark Attack!

Hail the size of aborted fetuses.

Amananutjob.

Turn With Me Now...

Turn with me now to the Book of Numbers.  Pay for forgiveness.

The glass ceiling's already been broken.  Nobody cares.  The only ones who care are the losers with all the excuses.

Ron Paul says he thinks we'll have a Latino president in his lifetime.  I'm hoping it's Jennifer Lopez.

Don't ever apopogize.  In my life I've only apologized about 12 times, and that was just for unwanted pregnancies.

My apologies usually went along the line of "Sorry, gotta go!"

Thinking there will eventually be a Hispanic president isn't such a big jump across the river.

Heck, even President Bush spoke Spanish.  Not very well, but that's how he spoke English, too.  Not very well.

I used the "C" word.  "Wait, you stupid clown!"

He said "I'm sorry," but it sounded like "Fuck you!"

"Achoo!"
"Shut up!"
"Achoo!"
"Shut up!  You're ruining everything!"

Why Are Jerks...

Why are jerks so appealing to women?

What I don't do well, I do often.

Tony Soprano will personally give you a tour of New Jersey.  You can't imagine the fun you'll have beng shot at by rival gangsters.

Like a dog looking for its bark.

Topless Bars:  Where marriages go to die.

But what do we do with all the homeless and mentally ill?  Easy, we just ship them off to San Francisco.

You'd better spit your gum out before you fight him.

As a kid, all you had to do to get out of trouble was act confused.

Still choosin'  Never losin'  Lalapaloozin'

And that, my friend, is the snap, crackle, and pop of rock and roll.

I Could Be...

I could be alone, and not get as much sex as I'm not getting right now.

I could be the last man on Earth, and I couldn't get less sex than I'm getting right now.

We were virgins when we got married, and our sex life went downhill from there.

Platonic Friend:  An open wallet and a closed zipper.

All tease and no please.

All talk and no walk.

All talky-talky and no fucky-fucky.

Bestiality:  Isn't jerking off a better alternative?

I don't judge a man by the color of his skin.  I judge him by whether or not I can fuck his wife.

All my skinfolk ain't my kinfolk.

Being Accepted...

You're trying to be accepted by those who don't like you.

I was invited for reasons I still don't understand.

Fat people shop at the more-to-love department.

Neil Young once sang:  "Only love can break your heart."  But it takes a wife to ruin sex for you.

If you're good, you go to Heaven.  If you're bad, you go live with your ex-wife.

Motherfucker's Old Fashioned Hamburgers

If you're in the ocean, and a shark attacks you...  that's not a shark attack.  that's a shark doing what a shark does where he's supposed to be doing it. 

If you're eaten by a shark in a place that he's not supposed to be--like the DMV--now that's a shark attack.

"I need to renew my driver's license."
"Okay, sir.  I need to take your picture.  Please stand behind the yellow line and put your head in my mouth."

People don't want equal rights.  They want MORE rights.

     thethingaboutmen.blogspot.com

Sports Jerseys...

Wearing a sports jersey with another man's name on it is no different than dressing up as Batman or Superman.

If it's not gay, then wearing a sports jersey with another man's name on it is one drunken sex act away from it.

All I can say to grown men who wear sports jerseys with another man's name on them...  Grow Up!  Quit playing dress-up!

Drug violence?  You're thinking about Mexico, buddy!

Girl (fishing for a compliment):  "I feel so ugly today."
 Guy:  "I'd fuck you."

You're making me feel so bad, I won't be able to sleep tonight...  at least until after the news.

They were looking to have a Susan Boyle look-a-like contest, but they had to cancel when the crowd turned ugly.

8% of parents regret the names they give their their kids.  Let's see:  Paltrow/Apple, Jackson/Blanket, Zappa/Moon Unit, Bowie/Zowie...  Yep, it's Hollywood.

Puerto Rico will never become a state.  Who can figure out a way to design a flag to accomodate 51 stars?

Heir to Wal-Mart $20 billion fortune arrested for Drunk Driving.  In a related story, the arresting officer has been fired and is now the new greeter at Wal-Mart.


The Trouble With Men  @
     thethingaboutmen.blogspot.com
          jimduchene.blogspot.com
               @JimDuchene

Prayer Works!

Hey, fellow Christians, are you tired of having your prayers unanswered by the Big Guy?
     MY prayers have always been answered.  You know why?  Because I pray to Satan.  Sure, I believe in Jesus and accept Him as my personal savior, but when I pray, I pray to the guy who can get things done, and I'm not talking about Donald Trump. 
     There's too much red tape with God.  Too many saints to get through.  Even the Virgin Mary has a say...  and she's a woman.
     Yes, I know, blood sacrifices can be a bit messy, and it's tough to get all those stains out, but think of all the innocent young virgins you'll have the opportunity to deflower.  You, too, ladies.
     I think Billy Joel--a personal friend of Satan's--said it best when he wrote about eternal damnation in the song Only The Good Die Young that he'd rather "laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints."
     Think of Hell as a Carnival Cruise with Angela Jolie as your hostess...  only hotter.
   
     Satan!  He Works For You!

"He gave me everything I wanted, and more.  Too bad I didn't read the fine print."  --Selena

"Me, too."  --Selena's father

"When He said He wanted my first-born son, I guess he meant it."  --Eric Clapton on the 43rd floor

The Best Defense (Part Two)

Ten More Excuses Men Use When...  Well, You Know

1.  Whew!  That odor!

2.  It must be you, because I don't have this problem when I'm sleeping with someone else.

3.  How's your sister?

4.  I never really liked you.  Just kidding.  No, I'm not.

5.  I was okay until you took off your clothes.

6.  It's those extra five pounds.

7.  Damn!  Jello doesn't wiggle that much!

8.  Are you still here?

9.  It's like flying a 747 into the Grand Canyon.

10.  I'm sorry, mommy.

The Best Defense (Part One)

Can't get your little soldier to salute?  That's okay, it's probably her fault, after all.  Even if it's not, it's a good idea to make her think it is.

Ten Excuses Men Use When...Well, You Know

1.  Funny, but you didn't look so fat with your clothes on.

2.  You said something that reminded me of my mother.

3.  Why did you have to cut your hair?

4.  I'm not saying it's your fault.  I'm just saying it's not my fault, and you're the only other one here.

5.  I wish all I had to do was just lay there.

6.  Did you put on any weight?

7.  Maybe if you bathed regularly.

8.  It's YOUR fault!

9.  When you said "faster" I thought you meant...

10.  My mother wears that perfume.

Club Flesh

Sex is work.  That's why you sweat.

It's a chore, but woman don't like cunnilingus to be compared with taking out the garbage or cleaning up.  Although it is kind of like cleaning up.

Invite her over for some dinner and a shower.

I sincerely wanted to give her some comfort and succor...  mainly succor.

Sometimes she gets so wet I have to bring a squeegie to bed.

She made my pinky all stinky.

She liked the pole.  I liked the hole.

Why does your finger smell like his ass?

Vitamin P.

She was as moist as a Twinkie.

Our Relationship...

Our relationship was like a roller coaster.  It was fast, it was fun, and occassionally I got to be upside down.

Dumber than Monica Lewinski on Celebrity Jeopardy.

The last time I saw something as ugly as her, I had to flush twice.

When she was born, her parents got kicked out of their apartment, because their lease said "no pets."

I'm not saying your girlfriend is ugly, but the last time you were at the vet, he said, "Here's a bone for your dog, and a banana for your monkey."

With you here for the holidays it made X-Mas almost perfect.  If you weren't here, X-Mas WOULD have been perfect.

"Bob, you're my son, and I love you.  (Okay, Alice, where's my two dollars?") 

Of all my sons, you're my favorite daughter.

Doctor:  "...so, putting you to sleep for your physical was an experimental procedure that I'll continue to use with you because it worked out so well."
     "Hey, why's my butt sore?"

How 'bout a loan from the booty bank?

Walter Fisk

The rest of your life is a very long time.

"And if I screw up?"
     "Then none of us have to share the stink with you."

A little of both.  Not enough of either.

You were getting pipe when they got whacked?

"He looked different with a face."
    
"He looks different without a face."

Hire somebody with some potential for some bone action.

I've run into people like him before.  They're like teflon.  Nothing sticks to them.

Guilty until proven innocent, hunh?

He's killed him.  Damn, he's good at this.

You Use So Much...

You use so much ink to say so little.

I sucked her pussy until her head started to deflate.

You know, there's a reason dad calls you by everybody else's name before he gets to yours.

Chin up.  Both of them.

I remember when Mick Jagger broke up with Jerry Hall.  I believe the key phrase in that news report was:  "...forty year-old Jerry Hall."

Shave a little.  ZZ Top has less hair.

Chris Brown sings as good as he punches women.  Allegedly.

...since JFK's head was in one piece.

"I'm hot."
     "Don't brag."

A standing ovulation.

Hard Raunch Cafe

I discovered it when I first came out of the birth canal.  I took a look around, and said:  "I want to go back in."

Grab her by those thick ankles of hers and do her Hilary Clinton-style.

I love that "New Bitch Smell."

"I think I know how to solve this problem."
"How?"
"Sleep with him."

Like Martin Luther King, I, too, have a dream...  and in that dream I'm naked on a moped.

Cooch, chooch, vaj.

I go through beers the way Madonna goes through Puerto Rican boys at an orgy.

The United Nation of Breasts.

She had more moves than Ex-Lax.

A Trick With Menthol

As dry as the slit between my ex-wife's legs.

She came over for a party, and found out SHE was the party.

Doesn't have nipples?  How is that possible?

Chris Brown.  He can sing as good as he can punch.  Just ask Rihanna.

Chris Brown.  Jackson Browne.  What is it with the Brown(e)s?

Creamy little beaver.

Cream of beaver soup.

So black, she could walk through coal and leave a streak.

She could suck the bacon from a pig.

Her hey-nanny-nanny.