Our Relationship...

Our relationship was like a roller coaster.  It was fast, it was fun, and occassionally I got to be upside down.

Dumber than Monica Lewinski on Celebrity Jeopardy.

The last time I saw something as ugly as her, I had to flush twice.

When she was born, her parents got kicked out of their apartment, because their lease said "no pets."

I'm not saying your girlfriend is ugly, but the last time you were at the vet, he said, "Here's a bone for your dog, and a banana for your monkey."

With you here for the holidays it made X-Mas almost perfect.  If you weren't here, X-Mas WOULD have been perfect.

"Bob, you're my son, and I love you.  (Okay, Alice, where's my two dollars?") 

Of all my sons, you're my favorite daughter.

Doctor:  "...so, putting you to sleep for your physical was an experimental procedure that I'll continue to use with you because it worked out so well."
     "Hey, why's my butt sore?"

How 'bout a loan from the booty bank?

Walter Fisk

The rest of your life is a very long time.

"And if I screw up?"
     "Then none of us have to share the stink with you."

A little of both.  Not enough of either.

You were getting pipe when they got whacked?

"He looked different with a face."
    
"He looks different without a face."

Hire somebody with some potential for some bone action.

I've run into people like him before.  They're like teflon.  Nothing sticks to them.

Guilty until proven innocent, hunh?

He's killed him.  Damn, he's good at this.

You Use So Much...

You use so much ink to say so little.

I sucked her pussy until her head started to deflate.

You know, there's a reason dad calls you by everybody else's name before he gets to yours.

Chin up.  Both of them.

I remember when Mick Jagger broke up with Jerry Hall.  I believe the key phrase in that news report was:  "...forty year-old Jerry Hall."

Shave a little.  ZZ Top has less hair.

Chris Brown sings as good as he punches women.  Allegedly.

...since JFK's head was in one piece.

"I'm hot."
     "Don't brag."

A standing ovulation.

Hard Raunch Cafe

I discovered it when I first came out of the birth canal.  I took a look around, and said:  "I want to go back in."

Grab her by those thick ankles of hers and do her Hilary Clinton-style.

I love that "New Bitch Smell."

"I think I know how to solve this problem."
"How?"
"Sleep with him."

Like Martin Luther King, I, too, have a dream...  and in that dream I'm naked on a moped.

Cooch, chooch, vaj.

I go through beers the way Madonna goes through Puerto Rican boys at an orgy.

The United Nation of Breasts.

She had more moves than Ex-Lax.

A Trick With Menthol

As dry as the slit between my ex-wife's legs.

She came over for a party, and found out SHE was the party.

Doesn't have nipples?  How is that possible?

Chris Brown.  He can sing as good as he can punch.  Just ask Rihanna.

Chris Brown.  Jackson Browne.  What is it with the Brown(e)s?

Creamy little beaver.

Cream of beaver soup.

So black, she could walk through coal and leave a streak.

She could suck the bacon from a pig.

Her hey-nanny-nanny.