Our relationship was like a roller coaster. It was fast, it was fun, and occassionally I got to be upside down.
Dumber than Monica Lewinski on Celebrity Jeopardy.
The last time I saw something as ugly as her, I had to flush twice.
When she was born, her parents got kicked out of their apartment, because their lease said "no pets."
I'm not saying your girlfriend is ugly, but the last time you were at the vet, he said, "Here's a bone for your dog, and a banana for your monkey."
With you here for the holidays it made X-Mas almost perfect. If you weren't here, X-Mas WOULD have been perfect.
"Bob, you're my son, and I love you. (Okay, Alice, where's my two dollars?")
Of all my sons, you're my favorite daughter.
Doctor: "...so, putting you to sleep for your physical was an experimental procedure that I'll continue to use with you because it worked out so well."
"Hey, why's my butt sore?"
How 'bout a loan from the booty bank?
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