I Could Be...

I could be alone, and not get as much sex as I'm not getting right now.

I could be the last man on Earth, and I couldn't get less sex than I'm getting right now.

We were virgins when we got married, and our sex life went downhill from there.

Platonic Friend:  An open wallet and a closed zipper.

All tease and no please.

All talk and no walk.

All talky-talky and no fucky-fucky.

Bestiality:  Isn't jerking off a better alternative?

I don't judge a man by the color of his skin.  I judge him by whether or not I can fuck his wife.

All my skinfolk ain't my kinfolk.

Being Accepted...

You're trying to be accepted by those who don't like you.

I was invited for reasons I still don't understand.

Fat people shop at the more-to-love department.

Neil Young once sang:  "Only love can break your heart."  But it takes a wife to ruin sex for you.

If you're good, you go to Heaven.  If you're bad, you go live with your ex-wife.

Motherfucker's Old Fashioned Hamburgers

If you're in the ocean, and a shark attacks you...  that's not a shark attack.  that's a shark doing what a shark does where he's supposed to be doing it. 

If you're eaten by a shark in a place that he's not supposed to be--like the DMV--now that's a shark attack.

"I need to renew my driver's license."
"Okay, sir.  I need to take your picture.  Please stand behind the yellow line and put your head in my mouth."

People don't want equal rights.  They want MORE rights.

     thethingaboutmen.blogspot.com

Sports Jerseys...

Wearing a sports jersey with another man's name on it is no different than dressing up as Batman or Superman.

If it's not gay, then wearing a sports jersey with another man's name on it is one drunken sex act away from it.

All I can say to grown men who wear sports jerseys with another man's name on them...  Grow Up!  Quit playing dress-up!

Drug violence?  You're thinking about Mexico, buddy!

Girl (fishing for a compliment):  "I feel so ugly today."
 Guy:  "I'd fuck you."

You're making me feel so bad, I won't be able to sleep tonight...  at least until after the news.

They were looking to have a Susan Boyle look-a-like contest, but they had to cancel when the crowd turned ugly.

8% of parents regret the names they give their their kids.  Let's see:  Paltrow/Apple, Jackson/Blanket, Zappa/Moon Unit, Bowie/Zowie...  Yep, it's Hollywood.

Puerto Rico will never become a state.  Who can figure out a way to design a flag to accomodate 51 stars?

Heir to Wal-Mart $20 billion fortune arrested for Drunk Driving.  In a related story, the arresting officer has been fired and is now the new greeter at Wal-Mart.


The Trouble With Men  @
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               @JimDuchene