I Could Be...

I could be alone, and not get as much sex as I'm not getting right now.

I could be the last man on Earth, and I couldn't get less sex than I'm getting right now.

We were virgins when we got married, and our sex life went downhill from there.

Platonic Friend:  An open wallet and a closed zipper.

All tease and no please.

All talk and no walk.

All talky-talky and no fucky-fucky.

Bestiality:  Isn't jerking off a better alternative?

I don't judge a man by the color of his skin.  I judge him by whether or not I can fuck his wife.

All my skinfolk ain't my kinfolk.

Being Accepted...

You're trying to be accepted by those who don't like you.

I was invited for reasons I still don't understand.

Fat people shop at the more-to-love department.

Neil Young once sang:  "Only love can break your heart."  But it takes a wife to ruin sex for you.

If you're good, you go to Heaven.  If you're bad, you go live with your ex-wife.

Motherfucker's Old Fashioned Hamburgers

If you're in the ocean, and a shark attacks you...  that's not a shark attack.  that's a shark doing what a shark does where he's supposed to be doing it. 

If you're eaten by a shark in a place that he's not supposed to be--like the DMV--now that's a shark attack.

"I need to renew my driver's license."
"Okay, sir.  I need to take your picture.  Please stand behind the yellow line and put your head in my mouth."

People don't want equal rights.  They want MORE rights.

     thethingaboutmen.blogspot.com

Sports Jerseys...

Wearing a sports jersey with another man's name on it is no different than dressing up as Batman or Superman.

If it's not gay, then wearing a sports jersey with another man's name on it is one drunken sex act away from it.

All I can say to grown men who wear sports jerseys with another man's name on them...  Grow Up!  Quit playing dress-up!

Drug violence?  You're thinking about Mexico, buddy!

Girl (fishing for a compliment):  "I feel so ugly today."
 Guy:  "I'd fuck you."

You're making me feel so bad, I won't be able to sleep tonight...  at least until after the news.

They were looking to have a Susan Boyle look-a-like contest, but they had to cancel when the crowd turned ugly.

8% of parents regret the names they give their their kids.  Let's see:  Paltrow/Apple, Jackson/Blanket, Zappa/Moon Unit, Bowie/Zowie...  Yep, it's Hollywood.

Puerto Rico will never become a state.  Who can figure out a way to design a flag to accomodate 51 stars?

Heir to Wal-Mart $20 billion fortune arrested for Drunk Driving.  In a related story, the arresting officer has been fired and is now the new greeter at Wal-Mart.


The Trouble With Men  @
     thethingaboutmen.blogspot.com
          jimduchene.blogspot.com
               @JimDuchene

Prayer Works!

Hey, fellow Christians, are you tired of having your prayers unanswered by the Big Guy?
     MY prayers have always been answered.  You know why?  Because I pray to Satan.  Sure, I believe in Jesus and accept Him as my personal savior, but when I pray, I pray to the guy who can get things done, and I'm not talking about Donald Trump. 
     There's too much red tape with God.  Too many saints to get through.  Even the Virgin Mary has a say...  and she's a woman.
     Yes, I know, blood sacrifices can be a bit messy, and it's tough to get all those stains out, but think of all the innocent young virgins you'll have the opportunity to deflower.  You, too, ladies.
     I think Billy Joel--a personal friend of Satan's--said it best when he wrote about eternal damnation in the song Only The Good Die Young that he'd rather "laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints."
     Think of Hell as a Carnival Cruise with Angela Jolie as your hostess...  only hotter.
   
     Satan!  He Works For You!

"He gave me everything I wanted, and more.  Too bad I didn't read the fine print."  --Selena

"Me, too."  --Selena's father

"When He said He wanted my first-born son, I guess he meant it."  --Eric Clapton on the 43rd floor

The Best Defense (Part Two)

Ten More Excuses Men Use When...  Well, You Know

1.  Whew!  That odor!

2.  It must be you, because I don't have this problem when I'm sleeping with someone else.

3.  How's your sister?

4.  I never really liked you.  Just kidding.  No, I'm not.

5.  I was okay until you took off your clothes.

6.  It's those extra five pounds.

7.  Damn!  Jello doesn't wiggle that much!

8.  Are you still here?

9.  It's like flying a 747 into the Grand Canyon.

10.  I'm sorry, mommy.

The Best Defense (Part One)

Can't get your little soldier to salute?  That's okay, it's probably her fault, after all.  Even if it's not, it's a good idea to make her think it is.

Ten Excuses Men Use When...Well, You Know

1.  Funny, but you didn't look so fat with your clothes on.

2.  You said something that reminded me of my mother.

3.  Why did you have to cut your hair?

4.  I'm not saying it's your fault.  I'm just saying it's not my fault, and you're the only other one here.

5.  I wish all I had to do was just lay there.

6.  Did you put on any weight?

7.  Maybe if you bathed regularly.

8.  It's YOUR fault!

9.  When you said "faster" I thought you meant...

10.  My mother wears that perfume.

Club Flesh

Sex is work.  That's why you sweat.

It's a chore, but woman don't like cunnilingus to be compared with taking out the garbage or cleaning up.  Although it is kind of like cleaning up.

Invite her over for some dinner and a shower.

I sincerely wanted to give her some comfort and succor...  mainly succor.

Sometimes she gets so wet I have to bring a squeegie to bed.

She made my pinky all stinky.

She liked the pole.  I liked the hole.

Why does your finger smell like his ass?

Vitamin P.

She was as moist as a Twinkie.