Prayer Works!

Hey, fellow Christians, are you tired of having your prayers unanswered by the Big Guy?
     MY prayers have always been answered.  You know why?  Because I pray to Satan.  Sure, I believe in Jesus and accept Him as my personal savior, but when I pray, I pray to the guy who can get things done, and I'm not talking about Donald Trump. 
     There's too much red tape with God.  Too many saints to get through.  Even the Virgin Mary has a say...  and she's a woman.
     Yes, I know, blood sacrifices can be a bit messy, and it's tough to get all those stains out, but think of all the innocent young virgins you'll have the opportunity to deflower.  You, too, ladies.
     I think Billy Joel--a personal friend of Satan's--said it best when he wrote about eternal damnation in the song Only The Good Die Young that he'd rather "laugh with the sinners, than cry with the saints."
     Think of Hell as a Carnival Cruise with Angela Jolie as your hostess...  only hotter.
   
     Satan!  He Works For You!

"He gave me everything I wanted, and more.  Too bad I didn't read the fine print."  --Selena

"Me, too."  --Selena's father

"When He said He wanted my first-born son, I guess he meant it."  --Eric Clapton on the 43rd floor

The Best Defense (Part Two)

Ten More Excuses Men Use When...  Well, You Know

1.  Whew!  That odor!

2.  It must be you, because I don't have this problem when I'm sleeping with someone else.

3.  How's your sister?

4.  I never really liked you.  Just kidding.  No, I'm not.

5.  I was okay until you took off your clothes.

6.  It's those extra five pounds.

7.  Damn!  Jello doesn't wiggle that much!

8.  Are you still here?

9.  It's like flying a 747 into the Grand Canyon.

10.  I'm sorry, mommy.

The Best Defense (Part One)

Can't get your little soldier to salute?  That's okay, it's probably her fault, after all.  Even if it's not, it's a good idea to make her think it is.

Ten Excuses Men Use When...Well, You Know

1.  Funny, but you didn't look so fat with your clothes on.

2.  You said something that reminded me of my mother.

3.  Why did you have to cut your hair?

4.  I'm not saying it's your fault.  I'm just saying it's not my fault, and you're the only other one here.

5.  I wish all I had to do was just lay there.

6.  Did you put on any weight?

7.  Maybe if you bathed regularly.

8.  It's YOUR fault!

9.  When you said "faster" I thought you meant...

10.  My mother wears that perfume.

Club Flesh

Sex is work.  That's why you sweat.

It's a chore, but woman don't like cunnilingus to be compared with taking out the garbage or cleaning up.  Although it is kind of like cleaning up.

Invite her over for some dinner and a shower.

I sincerely wanted to give her some comfort and succor...  mainly succor.

Sometimes she gets so wet I have to bring a squeegie to bed.

She made my pinky all stinky.

She liked the pole.  I liked the hole.

Why does your finger smell like his ass?

Vitamin P.

She was as moist as a Twinkie.

Our Relationship...

Our relationship was like a roller coaster.  It was fast, it was fun, and occassionally I got to be upside down.

Dumber than Monica Lewinski on Celebrity Jeopardy.

The last time I saw something as ugly as her, I had to flush twice.

When she was born, her parents got kicked out of their apartment, because their lease said "no pets."

I'm not saying your girlfriend is ugly, but the last time you were at the vet, he said, "Here's a bone for your dog, and a banana for your monkey."

With you here for the holidays it made X-Mas almost perfect.  If you weren't here, X-Mas WOULD have been perfect.

"Bob, you're my son, and I love you.  (Okay, Alice, where's my two dollars?") 

Of all my sons, you're my favorite daughter.

Doctor:  "...so, putting you to sleep for your physical was an experimental procedure that I'll continue to use with you because it worked out so well."
     "Hey, why's my butt sore?"

How 'bout a loan from the booty bank?

Walter Fisk

The rest of your life is a very long time.

"And if I screw up?"
     "Then none of us have to share the stink with you."

A little of both.  Not enough of either.

You were getting pipe when they got whacked?

"He looked different with a face."
    
"He looks different without a face."

Hire somebody with some potential for some bone action.

I've run into people like him before.  They're like teflon.  Nothing sticks to them.

Guilty until proven innocent, hunh?

He's killed him.  Damn, he's good at this.

You Use So Much...

You use so much ink to say so little.

I sucked her pussy until her head started to deflate.

You know, there's a reason dad calls you by everybody else's name before he gets to yours.

Chin up.  Both of them.

I remember when Mick Jagger broke up with Jerry Hall.  I believe the key phrase in that news report was:  "...forty year-old Jerry Hall."

Shave a little.  ZZ Top has less hair.

Chris Brown sings as good as he punches women.  Allegedly.

...since JFK's head was in one piece.

"I'm hot."
     "Don't brag."

A standing ovulation.